April/May 2015
My second cycle on Femara was alright. I didn’t become a horrible person this time but I did have some nausea but all in all it was ok. I ovulated on CD19 once again and this time the wait was horrible. I just wanted this month to be our cycle. CD12 two days before my birthday in May I tested and I thought that I saw a line. It was faint, horribly faint but it was there. i was literally feeling sick to my stomach. May 12th - MY BIRTHDAY!! WOOHOOO. 27!! We were going to dinner and with dinner meant I could have a drink but then my husband came home and threw a test on the counter and said here before we go anywhere. So, off I went to pee in a cup and test. I placed in on the counter and covered it. I waited the 5 minutes and went back and although in my head I was like I don’t even know why i am bothering its negative but it wasn’t! I got my birthday gift. I am pregnant!!
The First doctors visits
The next few days were blood work and confirmation. I remember sitting in a walk-in clinic and the doctor coming back and saying I am so sorry but its negative and I said are you sure… because I have had 3 positives at home. Ok, lets do some blood work. While I was leaving with my 3 year old in hand I went to where my test was on the counter and looked at it. I saw it there were two lines. The test just takes the 5 minutes it needs to finish. It was there. She came out of the room with another patient and i showed it to her. She confirmed and apologized and said do the blood work. So, i went and did the blood work and the 24 hours was horrible. I called I think 7 times and finally the clerk said ok I will call, then call you back. She did and levels were 38. Not a great number… its too low. The doctor wants to see you again she said. So, off I went back to the office. This time it was a different walk in doctor and he said I don’t like your numbers but lets do another to make sure it is going up. So, off I went to do blood work again and to my surprise it did go up. My 48hr blood work 138 still not great but I was taking it. I made an appointment with my OB.
June 2015
I had my ultrasound at 6 weeks and 5 days around the second week of June and heard and saw the heartbeat for the first time. When seeing the ultrasound something told me that this pregnancy wasn't going to go well, something wasn't right but I was so excited and overwhelmed with joy that I didn't let it take over. On June 24, 2015 I had my first OB appointment ... from what I counted I should of been around 8 weeks or so from my ultrasound, which she sent us for another.
6 weeks and 3 days
The First time and last time we heard out babies heartbeat!
8 weeks and 5 days
After the ultrasound, my heart sank. I knew that there was definitely something and the baby was not properly forming but my doctor said everything is good with the heartbeat and there is nothing to worry about so, I went on not worrying.
July 1st, 2015
We had such a great time at Canada's Wonderland with family and our girls.. I made sure to take an easy and sit when I could and not attempt the rides that were so much fun. We had such a long day that it was nice to see the Fireworks!
July 6-10th, 2015
I started having this brownish discharge. I never paid a whole lot of attention to it but I did call my doctor and she told me she wanted me on bed rest for the time being and that if it got worse to head to the ER. So for 3 days I was couch bound. My husband stayed home to watch our 3 year old and get the girls to and from school and take care of the house chores. Then on Friday, July 10th it got worse, to the point it was coming out in clumps. My husband rushed me to the ER, I was sure I was miscarrying and the baby we loved before we convinced was gone but after the ultrasound, the doctor (whom was amazing) told me that everything was fine, I had a subchorionic hematoma. I asked if there was a chance for miscarriage and he said yes, sometimes it can send a clot through the umbilical cord and block it which then the baby has no oxygen. I was scared.. I was angry, confused, frustrated but he told me to go home and take an easy and only to move to go to the bathroom. Again, here is my poor husband who needs to work and take care of the family once again but we all have to make sacrifices somethings right?
July 15th, 2015
THE WORST & HARDEST DAY EVER!!
Today my baby was found without a heartbeat. I can't explained to you the feelings I have right now. I am devastated. The hardest thing I believe you can ever go through in life is losing a child. A child that you never got to hold or meet. I can remember the days to follow were very emotionally draining and difficult. I remember coming home and having to tell my kids that their baby brother/sister had died and wouldn't be coming home but instead was now sitting with the Lord himself in Heaven with their Nana Helen (Husband's Mom). Knowing that they were young and probably not understand what was actually happening was the hard for me. I expected tears and questions but got nothing, except I'm sorry Mommy, I love you, which meant so much. My OB had given me medication (called Misoprostol) to physically abort the baby, which my husband was not to keen on. The first thing I had asked my doctor for was a D&C since knowing my body does not take well to medication and I knew that it -misoprostol- would not work. She denied my claim and said give this a try first and we'll go from there. You should start this as soon as possible. Well my husband wanted me to wait. He wanted a second opinion because he was in the state of Denial. I on the other hand didn't know if I could wait.
July 16th, 2015 - Afternoon
My husband had been at work and I was at home, my parents had come and got the girls for the weekend, as I was in no shape to take care of them. I couldn't even think. I wanted to sleep. Well I woke up that afternoon numb and just thinking of having the baby still inside of me not alive was making me sick. So, I decided to give the medication a try and started with the first pill. I didn't feel anything that night, just some cramping.
July 17th, 2015
I took my second dose, at 10am and by 1pm everything just started to come out. The pressure, cramps were unbearable. I cried as I ran to the bathroom and felt it all. I remember after I though that it was done I stood up and went to pull up my pants only to feel something gross and look down to find the baby! Yes my baby was in my underwear. I sat back down on the toilet grab a tissue and picked it up and stared at it. UTTER SHOCK!! DISBELIEF! I called my sister - in- law right away and said I think I just gave birth to my baby. She was like WHAT THE!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? I said NOPE. I am holding it right now. It hand hands, a spin and a head with two black eyes. The rest of the night I was in so much pain, with the kids gone I broke down like cried out in agony with my husband trying to comfort me, well trying to comfort himself. I was in so much pain. I took my third dose of the medication and the pain was horrid. If anyone told me that the pain you go through is the 10x worst then giving birth I would give birth a 1000 x over then. My dear husband eventually went up to his mothers and got me a heating pad and I also had pain killers Oxy's. I took two of those and eventually fell a sleep.
July 19th, 2015
Well, I woke up that morning feeling alright, although I had the runs all Saturday and that morning so we decided to get out and go to the mall just to have something fixed and looked at, at the Apple Store. Well in the process, I had to stop every 10 minutes for the bathroom and before this my bleeding had basically slowed down but once at the mall the bleeding and pain started to get worse and I felt like my uterus was contracting really bad. I ended up at the hospital keeling over. They were able to get my in to Acute care once I explained everything and get me an ultrasound, which came back fine and emptied. I cried the whole way home, which they again gave me more oxy;s and sent me home.
July 21st, 2015
I woke up with unbearable pain and unfortunately I had my kids home and my husband at work and there was nothing that I could do. So, I waited for him to get home and at that point I was over it, I wanted answers as of to why I was in so much pain again. So, off to the hospital I went again. This time the good doctor checked me and notice that there was still tissue trying to come out but was stuck and he couldn't grab it with the tools they had in the ER so, he called an OB on call and they came and assessed me and get me an ultrasound which showed lots of left over tissue. At this point the only thing left to do was a D&C. So, at 10pm that night was brought into the OR that night, afterwards they brought me to the general surgery floor and at 2:30am I was released from the hospital to go home and rest. The next couple of weeks were much better. We tried to just take time as a family and enjoy each other. We also went to Build a Bear and made a bear -which we named Gabriel as our baby is now an Angel of the Lord - with my baby's heart beat in it and also a heartbeat that they have for our baby with the baby remains inside (doctor confined that it was our baby) - which we cremated -. ♥︎